L'ECKLECT® Conversation//Playlist: A Great Big World - Already Home

First let me start with something most people would probably cry about (that guy's voice, not that mushy video/ okay, perhaps that too). I still wonder who changed the rules and made it that generation X isn't for tears or for talking about feelings or being open to just be vulnerable for a while, to let other people in on the real story. I mean, I'm certain most of us aren't even aware of the existence of this real story that I speak of. My friends say this all the time, "I don't want my enemies to see me in that state so I've had special training not to fall into that state at all...just in case it develops some reflexive mechanisms in my own system without my awareness." Which I always respond to with a chuckle or a slight nod, for the most part I and many other people who do as I do might be feeding this plague and don't realize we are. It's okay not to be okay, what isn't okay is pretending you're okay when you're actually not okay. Get it?

For most of my life I've had to hide away my feelings, I mean it doesn't exactly help that I am small framed but all it took was trying. This grew into a habit, habit turning into a okay way of living and by the time I realized this wouldn't work I had learnt too much, it became really difficult to kick the habit. I'm not fretting it in anyway however, I really learnt a lot by being not okay. Personally I'm the kind of human that prefers to build things from base. Having spent a considerable amount of time at base I made sure to pay particular attention to detail. Sometimes I'm doing wrong and it becomes really hard for me to stop myself but I'm always grateful that at least I know right from wrong. A good example for this, hypothetically speaking, there was a time when I fell into the hands of a most polite gentleman but obviously my muddied psyche was still struggling with either to beat them at being cold or to just go with the flow and see where things go. We're back to our initial problem, hiding feelings. I was obviously attracted to this humble soul, but it's the fear of rejection or of watching a love eventually die because of what we have picked up in the past. If I had a time machine I would go back and say, I'm not a very nice person because not very nice people in my past made me not so nice...but of course it's quite foolish to feel that people will feel sorry for you because you're stupid or lonely or just emotionally inconsistent in general. You have to build yourself up so that people no longer feel sorry for you, or you don't feel sorry for yourself and start saying to yourself things like, "They probably hate me." or, "He'll probably end up with a model girlfriend and leave me to rot away in our loft home with all our cats and plants." That stuff does inspire a lot of really nice poetry but it's never meant to be transferred to real life.

Little mental protest going on in my head to delete all these negative thoughts, I'm not made of my past experiences...those only stand as a guide-way to what I am going to be. In fact I deserve a Happiness Jar, going to get one. I promise to be more honest, and stop playing warrior out the safaris lonely and cold. I deserve to go dancing. I should reward myself every time I do good in terms of expressing precisely how I feel. I always I am learning to be a better human and don't ever expect anyone to hold these words over my head. After all, all of Rome wasn't built in one day...hardly even a day dream can finish Rome so I don't want people to be coming at me with these unrealistic plans and ambitions. I can only change so much in my chaotic little space. And I bet it happens for all of us wanting to change but only feeling a tad bit clingy towards your current self.

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