L'ECKLECT® Conversations: Recovery
I sometimes wonder if in the minds of people who struggle with depression is a dark spot than no solution known to man can make go away. 2015 isn't a very dark year. I think actually it has, thus far, been one of my greatest of life. I must however admit that sometimes I feel that feel of 'I'm on a boat with a hole on it and I am stuck smack in the middle of the ocean'...like in the past two days. It first started with me sleeping for longer than usual, and then I began to think about things that either terrify me back to sleep and into a long nightmare or lower my mood so much that I couldn't sleep. I'd just stare at the ceiling.
Every path obviously has its bumps, I was falling into a dark phase but I honestly refuse to be the person I used to be. That person was unhealthy, unloveable, unstable...it took so much to be where I am. I will not, in fact, I refuse sternly to go back to that place. When I become like how I have been I remind myself of the things my Doctor used to say to me and all the things I picked up from the book recommendations she made. The fact that I am making this declaration today means that I'll automatically start to snap out of it. Sometimes writing helps, for me, it helps all the time. Late last night coming in home from a night out at an art show I made myself aware that I was falling into a dark phase. I didn't honestly want to admit to it. Denial is a gesture of the mind, covering wounds so they don't look like wounds...but wounds will be wounds, and normally covered wounds recover slower. I constantly need to say it out loud to myself so that I can deal better with it. I got home and I was half out of my mind by the way...wrote this;
"The other day when I wasn't sleeping
I wasn't sleeping
I was only resting my eyes
I began to ponder about the things that ought to happen
To me when my body is no longer with my soul
I wish I had at least some idea
All I ever guess is that it would be
Like sitting in a vastness of pale blue light
And not being able to form sentences
Not being able to think
But if you can think
That you're unable to think
Then you're still thinking
So that can't be it...
The other time when I fell crazy
Off old lover boy's mad men medicine
I was almost comprehensive of this state,
Because at least in that moment
I was in it, the pale blue light room
The thing is you can suffer a great many sufferings
But the thing that you'll suffer the most from
Is a suffering of thoughtlessness
How painful must it be to be thoughtless
It's like being left in a stray jacket at the bottom of a deep swimming pool
Your lungs are being filled with water
You're going to feel it
And there'll be nothing you can do about it
That dear friends is legitimate pain..."
After writing this I began to cry as I was then realizing that the things that are depressing me are not even anything to be getting depressed about. The great fear of the unknown is a grave thing to avoid against living. While you worry about what will happen to you when you die you're being against the mere essence of life. That should never be the case. I mean, for all we know after life might not be a very bad space to be. I am taking a pledge today to be less worrisome about things I cannot control. Anything at all really, not only death or depression.